Soccer
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I know it's supposed to be called football. I don't want to get into that argument. I live in the United States, and here we already have a game we call football. I don't tell the British, "It's supposed to be called 'subway'" or "It's really called 'elevator.'" And if you really think it's important enough to argue about, the distribution of languages in the world would indicate to me that more people call it "futbol" than "football." So if you want to be picky, take that.

I'm not going to do much here--just tell you how an American views soccer. But this is not just another "American views soccer" thing. This is how an American fan views soccer. When you get the view of an American on soccer, it's too often the view of an American who doesn't like soccer. I like it. So I hope I'm contributing something worthwhile to the discussion.

I've liked soccer since I was a kid. I never knew much about it, but I liked it anyway. I can remember watching America's first serious experiment with soccer in the 1960's, when there was a national league here. Some of the games were even televised, but they never got a big audience. I dragged out the encyclopedia and looked up the game. "Soccer: see Association Football." Hmmm.... If they call it soccer, why don't they put the description under "Soccer"?

Anyway, I read the rules and thought it sounded like a cool game. The concept was very much like basketball, which is very popular in America. So I watched some of the games on television, and I liked it. But it didn't take me long to realize that, unlike in basketball, one team rarely beat another 112-107. In fact, it looked like it was rare for both teams to score something in a game.

I think it is the low scoring, compared to other American sports, that has caused soccer not to catch on more in America. Americans like to think that if 22 men are going to exhaust themselves for 90 minutes running around in front of 100,000 fans sitting in the hot sun singing soccer songs or patriotic songs or whatever it is they sing, there should be something to show for it when it's all over. You see, Americans like "action." And that means scoring. In the 60's, the average score in baseball games started dropping. So they changed the rules to make it harder on the pitchers and easier on the batters. We like to do things like that here. We are always trying to find something wrong, and then fix it, even if the rest of the world wonders what we are making such a fuss about.

The low scoring, though, never caused me to lose any of my love for soccer. I never knew any of the players' names or any of the team names. (How could I, when I was able to see an average of about 0.34 soccer games a year?) Whether the score was low or high, after the 90 minutes, there was still a result. And that's what counted. I always found myself wishing they would show more soccer games on television.

Watching soccer games on television, I get confused by some of the language. I realize the announcers are usually not from the United States, and I keep that in mind. But it's still funny to my ears to hear a team referred to in the plural sense. For example, if we in America are talking about the Dallas Cowboys, we say one of two things:

1. The Cowboys are winning, or
2. Dallas is winning

Then there is the commentary about a team's experience. (Or a player's experience.) Or at least I think this refers to experience--I'm not certain. What the heck is a "cap"? A player has so many caps.... Can somebody explain that to me? Surely it doesn't mean that a player is considered good because of the wide variety of headgear he possesses. He never wears any of it while playing, anyway. Some of the players look incapable of wearing any type of cap or hat at all!

Update.   I've been informed that a "cap" refers to a time that a player has played on his national team.  Thanks to Phil Harrison for telling me.  He says that the term comes from a British tradition of giving players a cap when they are on the team.

I understand that the goalkeepers are the only players allowed to handle the ball. But look at those gloves! They are starting to look like the Mickey Mouse characters at Disneyland. Is there a limit on the glove size? One foot wide? Two feet? The width of the goal?

What about stalling by the goalkeeper? Is there a rule on it? I mean, late in the game, ahead by one goal, you would like time to run out. So pick up the ball and stand there, right? Maybe it's illegal for the goalkeeper to just stand there. I don't know. Maybe the rule is that he has to wave his hands at his teammates to motion them downfield, while they stand there.

Some of the rules of soccer are confusing to me. And I understand soccer rules change quite often. (See? We Americans don't have a monopoly on changing things around some.) I've tried to find and read the rules, and most of them are clear. But there are always some rules I guess I'll never understand fully. Much of my understanding of the rules comes now from hearing coaches yell at the officials. Something like "Hey, you ignorant fool, you can't call offsides unless he is offsides when the ball is passed to him!" When I hear something like that, I take note and realize that I've probably increased my understanding of the game. But then I think to myself, if the coach knows it, and I now know it, why doesn't the official know it? Was the coach right? So I keep some mental reservation about what I hear the coaches shouting. Sometimes I think a coach shouts because he knows the fans for his team don't know what the the rules are, and he figures they'll buy any excuse he can muster for a blown game. I have, indeed, heard fans echoing the coach's complaints ("Yep, the darned fool called offsides, but you can't be called for offsides unless the ball is passed to you....") At those times I wonder if the fans making those statements know what they are talking about, or are just pretending to know what they are talking about. After all, it should be safe to say something the coach said without displaying your ignorance, shouldn't it? Of course, I've also considered that most of the fans don't even know what "offsides" means. I keep expecting to hear the following conversation:

"What happened? I missed it."

"Oh, the stupid referee called the receiver offsides and penalized our team five yards, but the quarterback never even passed the ball to him."

Not knowing how much time is left in a game is confusing to an American. We like to know important things like that. It affects the game! Not being able to look up at a scoreboard clock makes us suspicious of a guy who keeps his stopwatch secret, especially when he's a foreigner!

(In the Major Soccer League, in the U.S., the time is counted down, with the clock stopped for injuries. The clock is displayed on the scoreboard so everybody in the stadium can see it. This gives Americans that security blanket that we need so much. It also causes wild shots from midfield when there are two seconds left.)

I'll never forget watching the Super Bowl, years ago, when Miami was playing Washington. Miami was going to attempt a field goal, so their former soccer player came in to kick it. The ball was bobbled, and he picked it up and threw it to the closest guy he could find. Touchdown, Washington!

Update.   A little history was made on October 24, 1997, in American College Football.  For the first time, a female player played for a major college football team.  (I can't remember the college.  I'll see if I can dig it up.)  The regular place kicker--the player who kicks field goals and extra points--was injured, and the coach asked one of the school's soccer players, a female, to fill in for him.  On that day, she played a soccer game for her team, and then while being driven in her parents' van to the football stadium a short distance away, changed into her football uniform.  During the game, she kicked two extra points.  If you have watched the behavior of American football players when they congratulate a teammate, you may be slightly amused that it was reported after she scored, her teammates "patted her on the helmet."

Since I wrote that last paragraph, it has been pointed out to me that singling out the English fans might be unfair.  I agree.  There does seem to be quite a bit of harassment toward visiting fans in much of Europe, and crowd control is poor, if it exists at all.  Also, many of the recent tragedies that result from fans running amok or acting out on irrational "team pride" have taken place in Latin America.  Somehow, the English have gotten a bad reputation that seems to stick in an American's mind.  I deplore bad fan behavior regardless of who is at fault, I should make clear.  Enjoying a sport should not involve having fans and players killed or maimed.

Update, May 12, 2002
Senseless violence  has taken America by storm in athletics.  See here for an example..

Please feel free to send me comments about anything you see here
My E-Mail Address: dan_pressnell@yahoo.com